...like a headache, like my brain has been slowly pulled out through my nose and that hollow cavern that now sits behind my eyes is being stuffed with cotton wool. My muscles begin to feel too tired to hold themselves to my bones, my skin too tired to support my organs, my gums too tired to keep the, now exorbitant, weight of my teeth in my skull. I can no longer access my own emotions; when I try to crawl deep into the crevices of my own soul to understand what I am feeling the overpowering exhaustion- that has already overwhelmed every other part of my being- stops me dead in my tracks.
I would hesitate to call this feeling grief, it is both more overwhelming and less painful. I as an individual have not lost anyone, it has not changed my life all that drastically, but the knowledge that a entire life is now gone from our planet, that there is a whole person worth of feelings, ideas, actions, mistakes that has been taken is almost incomprehensible. When this knowledge is multiplied by tens, hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands, it bypasses my ability to think or feel. It is almost like no one has died.
I feel like over the years I have been forced to confront this kind of unimaginable loss over and over again as war, famine, disease, hate and ignorance has pointlessly stripped the world of so much life and attempted to replace it with fear and pain. I know I am not alone in this, I know I have it easy compared to those who not only have to deal with loss of so many people they have never met but also those close to them.
This kind of violence is often framed as an unfortunate but unavoidable event, the work of “bad apples” or worse: a justified act of defence against a group of people that are innately “dangerous” or “perverted”. It is often ignored that these more visceral acts of hate are inspired by the benign dehumanisation that infests the cultural zeitgeist. It feeds off of the mundane violence that comes in the form of legislation denying health care, work, housing, self determination, family, community. The insipid response to the framing of people’s continued existence and right to basic dignity as an ideology- a debate. It is permitted by the refusal of systems and governments to protect, support and provide justice for those who have come to harm.
A parasitic indifference crawls it’s way into my brain, digs into my thoughts. Breeding and spreading, I watch as this same indifference infects those around me. When so much suffering occurs, when those in power seem so willing to ignore said suffering, it can be overwhelming. My brain shuts down. But if there is to ever be any change it is an obligation for me, for everyone, to not let this overwhelm control us. To not let this indifference fester in our minds.
Being trans, it can be too much sometimes to be witness to the ways in which people like me are subjected to cruelty all across the world. It can be especially distressing to see those from poverty and marginalised racial and ethnic backgrounds be even further ignored by the mainstream, even less permitted to receive the justice that they deserve. It can be encouraging, however, to see that as an international community there are many of us who are not willing to let those who have suffered be forgotten; that the neglect and abuse they experienced at the hands of systems, governments and corporations will not be forgotten and will not be met with indifference.
Written by Robyn, a young person